My First Time

So I woke up with the most agonizing pain of a Charley horse in my right leg, cried, and fell back asleep. Only I wake up a few hours later with a deep pain in my calf. Please shoot me.

On the actual topic of discussion, I’m in a more difficult pain of realization and broken heart.

I don’t understand why I have the realization of things sometimes. Maybe because I think too much in the early hours, linger the idea a while, come to realization and then post it down in a blog or paper.

Referring to my last post, on my battle with Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia, I obviously didn’t conquer alone. I had a very strong support team.

One person in particular was the one I would have considered to be my first love.

I was sixteen (almost seventeen) years old, I had been working at a Taco Bell since the past fall and it was summer again. My building was torn down and made bigger, bringing more employees in. And I had confided in new friends, particularly a stud lesbian, we’ll call her K for short. Work was definitely a lot more fun (bitchy boss and shitty co-workers) and we became a trio with my other best friend named P who I had worked with for a while and also worked at Taco Bell. Well, K and I decided to hang out more and it got to the point of closeness to which I kissed her. A few weeks later, we started dating. And so the story goes, my parents didn’t approve of such relations. We broke up many times and dated for months. And then.. We officially broke everything off in January, I graduated high school and went of to college and hasn’t heard from her. Until that October, to which we talked about remaining friends. It got complicated because she was dating her then fiancée at the time and something about developing feelings for me again. It was stupid. So I stopped being friends again. And then, we stopped talking again until current time today. To which we are friends.

Anyway, rewinding from that long back story, she helped me through my eating disorder and I have a ton of respect for her, but I’ve come to the realization that things are weird and awkward.

I’m not the same young 16 year old who rebels and hangs around people that act like they have the same mentality. I’m a mature 20 year old who has her shit together. I’m about to start my beauty career in a year, I’m moving into my own place next summer, I have a long and goal-oriented life.

I have a huge amount of respect and love for K, but the part of me that was connected to her is in the past. I feel like the only excuse I have that she’s in my life is to protect me from relapsing, but I feel like because that’s the only reason I keep her around, I relapse on purpose to lie to myself. I cant see myself and her in the future at any part of my life.

This is what I see:

She’s going to continue to work at Taco Bell, go through hard shit, become an alcoholic again, be high all the time hopefully someone will pick her back up and she’ll clean herself up.

I, however, see myself with a successful career in the beauty industry, launching my own line of some cosmetic or hair care. Happily married with beautiful babies and a well kept home. Traveling a bit, looking great.

I feel like there was a time and place she was allowed in my life to help me grow, but that time was the past and she needs to stay there like a memory in a scrapbook so I can move on and not be stuck on the past. I feel like by keeping K in my life, she’s holding me back.

As I watch current heartbreaks of this year like Corey Monteith’s death, there’s no doubt Lea loves him and will continue to love him, but she will find a new love one day (as sad as it is). Or like divorced parents. Mine for example have a different kind of love for each other now. My mom is quoted saying

I will always love your father, but it’s in a different way now. He gave me the three greatest accomplishments of my life which were your brother, you and your sister, and for that I will always love him.

On a side note, they are both happy and respectively married. And I just have to treat my situation the same. I do love K, but it’s more out of respect.

And I hope the lucky guy who wins my heart for permanency treats me just as well as K treated me.